"Our Angel Baby"

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back on here.  The past two weeks have really been a whirlwind.  On February 13th, my husband and I learned some very exciting news...we were going to be adding baby #4 to our family.  Just like anyone else would be we were over joyed at this news.  I started having a few complications that took me into my midwifes office.  She told me that everything was probably fine, but that they would have me go back the next day for an ultrasound just to be safe.  I felt somewhat a ease when I left and was so excited to take my kids the next day so we could see our newest addition.  February 28th, just couldn't come soon enough.  So 2:30pm rolled around and we were at the office getting ready, I was beyond excited.  When the ultra sound tech started looking at my uterus there was no baby.  She asked if I might just be earlier then I expected and I told her no.  Then she wanted to send me for blood work, but before she did that she decided to check my Ovaries.  Everything looked good till she got to my left side and then she told me that the baby didn't implant right.  I started to cry and ask questions I knew the answers too.  I had an Ectopic pregnancy and the baby was located in my left Fallopian Tube.  My heart was shattered when I looked up on the screen as she took measurements and I saw my "Little Angels" heart still beating.  My oldest son doesn't miss anything  he came up to me and asked what was wrong and why Mommy and Mammie were crying.  When I stopped crying I explained to him that the baby was in the wrong spot and that he or she couldn't make it.  I quickly called my husband to explain to him what had happened and we both cried.  He let me go so he could call his boss and see about getting out of his next route so he could come be with me.  Praise the Lord that his boss was so understanding.

I was then moved into a room where I met a Doctor for the first time so she could explain everything we were looking at.  I was devastated and scared.  The Doctor explained to me that I would be looking at surgery and they would possibly have to remove my left Fallopian tube.  I asked when I would be looking at having this surgery and she told me around 5pm or I could wait till Thursday and have it done.  I didn't want to wait, I just wanted my nightmare to be over.  I then called my husband again and explained to him that I would be going into surgery around 5 and asked him to hurry.  Isaiah, came up to me and just cried he wanted the baby to be okay.  It broke my heart to see his heart breaking.  The Doctor explained as well, that even if she had to remove my tube that I would still be able to get pregnant and my percentages would not be any less. That they would like us to wait 3-6months for my body to heal.  I just couldn't believe that this was happening and I wanted to be woken up from this nightmare.

After we left, I quickly started calling my family and letting them know what was going to happen.  I also called to make arrangements for my kids to be watched.  So, when I arrived at my sister-in-law Nicole's we dropped all the kids off and my husband then showed up.  I rushed out just so he could hold me for a few minutes.  We stood outside holding each other while we grieved.  We went inside to tell the kids bye and get loaded up in the van. Then, it hit Landon, he walked over to Josh with his head down and told him that he wanted the baby to be okay too.  Again, my heart just broke to see how much this baby meant to my family.  My mom, sister and sister-in-law Erika road with us to the hospital.  It was a very quiet ride and all I could wonder, was if my decision was right.  As soon as we got there and started walking toward the hospital, I went up to my husband asking him if my decision was right.  He reassured me again and we finished our walk into the hospital.  Everyone at the hospital down in the lobby was asking if I was okay and if I needed anything, because it was more real when I arrived there, I just couldn't hold back the tears.  My older brother showed up to join my support system.  I went up to the Day Surgery Floor of the hospital and sat in the waiting room for only a few short minutes.  They came and got me and then I thought...This is really happening.  I was asked all the questions and prepped and signed all the paper work.  My dad and younger brother showed up in the mean time and then my former Pastor that married my husband and I.  My husband and I were so blessed to have such a wonderful group of people there to love and support us.

Next came the medication that makes you relax and all I remember was saying how I could feel it and after that it was as if I just lost a few hours of my life that I don't remember at all.  My husband told me how he walked to the surgery doors and kissed me, told me he loved me and that was the hardest thing he has ever had to do.  When I started waking up after my surgery I began to ask for my husband and my mom.  The nurse told me that she was going to get them when I woke up more.  After 5 minutes I asked again where they were.  She then went to get them.  The Doctor walked in after she left and came to explain to me that the surgery went well, they did have to remove my tube and that I was already bleeding internally.  She also explained that if I would have waited one more day, I might not be here.  I couldn't believe that everything was so close.  All I could do was just stop and think about the past couple days and how the Lord was watching over me.

When my mom and husband arrived I was so happy to see them.  All I wanted to do was go home and see my kids.  To top it all off I was also coming down with my son's flu that he had and started spiking a fever right after surgery.  The next few days were very hard as we grieved the loss of our baby.  My husband had to take some time off to be with me, but for the first two days we stayed at my parents so we could have help with the kids.  What a blessing it was to have them all there to help.

I must say that after all of this and all of the emotions and thoughts that have flooded my mind.  I will never forget our baby.  Though I only got to enjoy being pregnant for almost 7weeks, my joy of knowing I will see "Our Angel Baby" again is what keeps me at peace.  My hardest struggle has been seeing my baby's heart beating only a few hours before my surgery.  I never knew how hard this could be, but I am so happy that I know the Lord and I have His comfort and grace.  I praise the Lord everyday for allowing me to be here so I can grow old with my husband, see my children grow up, be here for the rest of my family and see how God is going to use me.  Everyday is so much more precious to me.  Right now, even after 2weeks I still have an emptiness a hole that just seems like it can't be filled.  I pray and read my Bible everyday, but at the end of the day my tube and my baby are gone and my womb is still empty.  I know God will fill my void, it's just hard to let Him sometimes when what you are missing is something you wanted so badly.  I am improving everyday and it does get easier, but we will never forget "Our Angel Baby".  We will always be parents of 4 beautiful children.

Here are a few verses that have helped me.

"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." II Corinthians 1:3-4

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 12:9

"And not only so,  but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patients." Romans 5:3

"Our Angle Baby", never to be forgotten.